I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My balls are so social today.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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