where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
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She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
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I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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