Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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