he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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