I just pynch a tree in the face
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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