I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
