grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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