maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
