insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
