You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
