uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
