i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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