Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
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You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
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Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....