I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Dating After Heartbreak
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think a kid would responsible me up
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles