as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
