i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
