I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
