Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
