I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
