My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
