I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
