Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
