i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
