I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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