Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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