apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
