I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
