this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
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I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
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Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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