The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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