so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
