I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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