Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
