watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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