my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
