I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
