I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
