I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
