...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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