i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
