plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
