I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
