the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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