i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
