Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
