The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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