I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
