I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
