Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
