Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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