it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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