I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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