I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
