my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
