I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
