Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
A+ Viking dick
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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